Hey Peeps,
So, here in Japan, we are saying goodbye to our graduates. Schools start in April and end in March. As teachers, we are shuffled around the towns or nation, depending on the teaching program we're in, and have to say goodbye to our kids. That's what happened to me. This last April I was sent to another school to teach.
Now, what is cool about Japanese schools is that the old teachers send messages that are posted on a board for the graduating students to read. I love seeing that each year and it fills me with such joy and happiness. But,...
...what happens when you, the old teacher, don't send a message? It's expected of you, especially if you loved those kids. What monster doesn't send a message!?
...Me...of course. Why else would I be writing such a blog entry? (Who writes blogs anymore anyways?)
This year... It was tough, tougher than I expected. This was supposed to be the 'easy' year. The year I built myself up and fixed what needed to be fixed in me and my life. I went through a tough few years, but the worst was behind me...or so I thought.
And that's the thing. Life...is tough. We try to do our best, but sometimes we crumble instead. We survive the worst and fall apart when we thought we could finally hold ourselves together. We are human. We fight when we need to, then collapse from exhaustion. And, sometimes life comes in and kicks us when we are down. These kicks don't have to be...well, the hardest things we'd dealt with to make us fall. They just have to be well-placed and well-timed. Just landing where it stings the most.
This year, I collapsed at the finish line. I fought the good fight and fell short of the world's expectations. Now, I know what the kids will think. "I thought she liked us?" The parents, too.
...We may be teachers, but we are humans, too. I know I failed my former students...in many ways. They are my precious students and I didn't show them that on their special day. I can give them a thousand reasons, but...it doesn't change the fact that I fell down before their graduation.
I also know...I am not alone in feeling this guilt. I want to pass judgment on myself, much like someone else wants to pass judgment on themselves. I want to chastise myself for not upholding my social duties to my students, much like others want to chastise themselves.
Whether we're a teacher, a friend, a parent, sibling, or leader, we will fail. We will hurt our precious people. We cannot always make it up to them. So, now what?
We ask for mercy, grace, and forgiveness and acknowledge that it happened. Acknowledge our broken humanity. If we can't forgive ourselves, how can we forgive others and how can others forgive us?
So, don't be me. Don't bury yourself in your own guilt. Don't rip your heart to shreds. Don't try to inflict the pain on your own soul that you think others will feel from your mistakes. We are not the Great Equalizer; we can only do more damage.
Later Peeps.
